should i stay or should i go

so i finally got the call that i’ve been wondering if i would ever receive. a while ago, i applied for a two-year contract with the city of edmonton for a maintenance position with their web team. since i helped to originally design and deploy their website, it seemed a sensible thing to do – especially given current events in my life.

i recently decided to stay in toronto, to not give in to the repeated kicks in the balls that it has delivered unto me, and to wait until i am better and strong enough to go where i will, in my own time, and at my own pace. so now, having at least the possibility of returning to the most prosperous province in our country, i find myself conflicted once again.

if i stay, i am distanced from my oldest and dearest friends, all of whom i love and cherish and desire to be close to right now. i am apart from my parents who clearly need me to act as mediator in their complicated days. i am apart from the familiar things around which i grew up and know and recognize. i am away from all the places of strength where i can remember who i am and from whence i’ve come.

if i go, i relent to the notion that i am weak. i give in to the notion that i cannot make it on my own and that i need all of the aforementioned things to make me who i am and to sustain me while i work my way through to retirement and some future of which i don’t have any vision. i leave behind one of the most exciting and stimulating cities in canada, that prides itself on its superiority and its primacy in the nation as the place that people who want to be somebody go to be that person. i leave behind the people who i ended up caring about and liking, if even in the most briefest of fashions, for things that i already know and understand, and can offer me little that is new and improving.

if i stay, i face the vacuity of this city that i find intolerable – the vanity, the lack of humility, the hedonism, the lack of compassion, the daily commute on the steel sausage of a subway, the expense, the isolation, the insulation, the perversion, the pretension, the utter inhumanity of a society that has lost faith in the things that should matter most to a human being – clean air, space to feel comfortable, freedom to go where and do what one will, grass beneath one’s feet, and water in which to bathe.

if i go, i face the disappointment of failing to adequately confront a challenge that i know has been set before me for a reason. i give up the opportunity to find out what my worth is outside of a support group, outside of a relationship, outside of anything that could give me aid or comfort. but, i return to a place close to the mountains and my beloved river valley, which only in their absence, do i realize how much i have missed. i return to something that is utterly familiar and inviting and accepting. i return to something that is endearing and vital and supportive. i return to a place that is closest to those who are closest to me. i return to a place where i can still look forward to a future that includes all the things that i will want and still believe that i can have.

i haven’t even had the interview yet, and my worry now is that marcia or ian or someone else who is reviewing my application will view this and that it will influence their decision. i know that i am the best candidate for them – because i know their solution inside and out, and i have done and seen things that could help them inestimably.

que sera sera.

– g

ps. i am now open to suggestions.

pps.  (11/16/2006) it was properly pointed out to me that living in toronto is not sufficient to qualifying myself as a “martyr”, nor is it any significant grounds for anticipation of real hardship the way that people in ethiopia or rwanda reckon hardship.  in essence, i should stop my mewling, and do what any rational person would – make the right choice for me.  and that is precisely what i intend to do.  tomorrow (interview day) will certainly be a better day for me than this one.  in the end, i already know what i will do.

i wanna be daniel craig

mr. bond, i presume?i went to see “borat” this weekend (like everyone else in north america, it seems), and now, i know what i want to be when i grow up. i want to be daniel craig. there was a trailer for “casino royale” and even though i knew of mr. craig from such lamentable misses as “tomb raider” and the slightly more forgivable “layer cake”, i never realized that this was all that it took to become a sexy-figure.

i mean, just look at ‘im! he’s almost a full year older than i am, has even deeper eye-bags than i do, but he’s lean, and buff, and has a very similar skeletal structure and musculature as i do, so this should be a realizable goal for me! we both have fairly good shoulder-to-waist ratios, his legs aren’t as long as roger moore ‘s, and his body fat is way lower than connery’s… he’s not as nancy-boy as dalton or brosnan… muscle seems to aggregate in the same areas on him as they do on me when i am working out, so i’ve got a shot at making this a reality by new years!

there is however, the chillingly unique crystal blueness of his eyes that i have no hope of ever approximating. and i guess he’s english, so he’s got that accent that i can never hope to pull off with any kind of consistency or rigeur. and of course, he’s blonde. but all the muscly parts have become part of my new world order – i will become a hardbody like that! why shouldn’t i?! i’ve always said that a man’s best fashion asset is a good body. it’s time that i upgrade my appearance a little.

– g

remembrance day

my poppyi was profoundly struck this remembrance day by the importance of this particular celebration and how its meaning can be so powerful and relevant, and yet so easily disregarded.

remembrance day was originally observed to commemorate the end of world war i, the most terrible war that the world had seen to that date. since then, the holiday has survived to celebrate the ultimate sacrifices of generations of soldiers and peacekeepers who have fought to protect the free and democratic way of life, so that thir progeny would have the freedoms and rights to choose to live how they wanted, free from fear and persecution. this is the most noble of motivations, and the way that i think that we all choose to observe this date.

soldiering has always been one of the most morally problematic of professions. ultimately, soldiers fight for their families and loved ones – to protect them from those who would do them harm. soldiers on both sides of the enemy line do this, and both sides must feel that their cause is just. the dilemma for the solider is that he or she is an agent of his or her army and must follow orders in order for that army to effectively protect his or her family. the soldier is the hand and the foot and the eye and the ear of the army, but not it’s brain – and that is the great tragedy of the military. it is an autocracy designed to protect our democracy.

i have known only a handful of soldiers in my life, and they have all been fascinating people, all of whom i respect and admire greatly. i think about the soldiers who have come before them and what they’ve endured and what they’ve seen and done, and civilian man just cannot comprehend what it must have been and what it must be like. i, the philosopher, will always be in awe of the soldier.

– g

man’s greatest achievement

my last terrible run my nike+ipod mod

some people think that the wheel, or the pythagorean theorum or the gas compressor are the greatest achievements of man. i believe that the nike+ipod podometer must take the crown.

music has always been a critical component to making 30minute+ runs bearable – otherwise, all we would have to listen to are the voices in our heads nattering on about some mundane thing or another, or work, or trying to solve the problems of the world. now, listening to music with my featherweight ipod nano can also record incredibly valuable historical information about my run – such as how far i’ve run, how fast i was running at a particular point in my run, and (approximately) how many calories i burned during my run (in case i am worried about offsetting the 1000 calorie burrito i had just eaten the day before).

i mean look at it… it even tells me when i stopped at the lights trying to cross lakeshore blvd!! i should have kept running around in circles to try and trick it out – but the nike+ipod is too smart for that!!!

the real problem that i had is getting into this was that i don’t like nike shoes. so i found this blog on how to “mod” your nike+ipod sensor to fit in non-nike+ shoes. being the redneck that i am, i opted for a solution that Red Green himself would have been right at home with – clear duct tape! i just taped that sucker to the tongue of my shoe under the laces – it’s fixed and waterproof and completely removable. total cost: $39 for the sensor – $1.29 for the duct tape – information about all of my subsequent runs – priceless!!

– g

yoga for dummies

pure and simple yogaa friend of mine (who coincidentally is also a yoga instructor) suggested that i take up ashtanga yoga. so today, i went to lululemon to get dvd that would introduce me to the world of yoga. all of the ashtanga videos had inhuman contortionists on the cover doing things with their extremeties that i had no idea were possible, given the supposed rigidity of skeletal fibres.

what i got instead, with the assistance of the well-programmed lulu staff, was an introductory dvd that had some basic positions with varied levels of difficulty (for starters like myself who are made of steel-carbon fibre rather than malleable cartlidge and ligaments) and a lot of information about proper breathing and alignment. maybe tomorrow or this weekend, i will pull on my sweats and actually work through the 40 or 50 minute workout. the breathing exercises that i watched and breathed along with (because my back hurts too much now to assume a meaningful lotus position) were fantastic and will probably help me to sleep when i awake a 3 in the morning with what i have come to term the “oh my god, it’s 3am and i’m all alone”-chinese-hell-for-romantics.

anyway, i’m looking forward to playing with this for a while. i think that everyone can use a little time to themselves to focus on their wellness and peace. heaven knows that i need to focus on that for a while now. i’ll let you all know how it goes.

– g