should i stay or should i go

so i finally got the call that i’ve been wondering if i would ever receive. a while ago, i applied for a two-year contract with the city of edmonton for a maintenance position with their web team. since i helped to originally design and deploy their website, it seemed a sensible thing to do – especially given current events in my life.

i recently decided to stay in toronto, to not give in to the repeated kicks in the balls that it has delivered unto me, and to wait until i am better and strong enough to go where i will, in my own time, and at my own pace. so now, having at least the possibility of returning to the most prosperous province in our country, i find myself conflicted once again.

if i stay, i am distanced from my oldest and dearest friends, all of whom i love and cherish and desire to be close to right now. i am apart from my parents who clearly need me to act as mediator in their complicated days. i am apart from the familiar things around which i grew up and know and recognize. i am away from all the places of strength where i can remember who i am and from whence i’ve come.

if i go, i relent to the notion that i am weak. i give in to the notion that i cannot make it on my own and that i need all of the aforementioned things to make me who i am and to sustain me while i work my way through to retirement and some future of which i don’t have any vision. i leave behind one of the most exciting and stimulating cities in canada, that prides itself on its superiority and its primacy in the nation as the place that people who want to be somebody go to be that person. i leave behind the people who i ended up caring about and liking, if even in the most briefest of fashions, for things that i already know and understand, and can offer me little that is new and improving.

if i stay, i face the vacuity of this city that i find intolerable – the vanity, the lack of humility, the hedonism, the lack of compassion, the daily commute on the steel sausage of a subway, the expense, the isolation, the insulation, the perversion, the pretension, the utter inhumanity of a society that has lost faith in the things that should matter most to a human being – clean air, space to feel comfortable, freedom to go where and do what one will, grass beneath one’s feet, and water in which to bathe.

if i go, i face the disappointment of failing to adequately confront a challenge that i know has been set before me for a reason. i give up the opportunity to find out what my worth is outside of a support group, outside of a relationship, outside of anything that could give me aid or comfort. but, i return to a place close to the mountains and my beloved river valley, which only in their absence, do i realize how much i have missed. i return to something that is utterly familiar and inviting and accepting. i return to something that is endearing and vital and supportive. i return to a place that is closest to those who are closest to me. i return to a place where i can still look forward to a future that includes all the things that i will want and still believe that i can have.

i haven’t even had the interview yet, and my worry now is that marcia or ian or someone else who is reviewing my application will view this and that it will influence their decision. i know that i am the best candidate for them – because i know their solution inside and out, and i have done and seen things that could help them inestimably.

que sera sera.

– g

ps. i am now open to suggestions.

pps.  (11/16/2006) it was properly pointed out to me that living in toronto is not sufficient to qualifying myself as a “martyr”, nor is it any significant grounds for anticipation of real hardship the way that people in ethiopia or rwanda reckon hardship.  in essence, i should stop my mewling, and do what any rational person would – make the right choice for me.  and that is precisely what i intend to do.  tomorrow (interview day) will certainly be a better day for me than this one.  in the end, i already know what i will do.