it’s been a while since i’ve had a truly self-indulgent whine-fest here on my blog, and i don’t want people to think that i’ve lost that (blunt) edge of mine (i so very much wish that i could be more like my buddy, jim, who can write so effortlessly about current events of global importance, but then again, i’m not on a month long vacation in china with my gorgeous girlfriend, so this is what i got) – so here goes!
it dawned on me today that there are two ways of going about one’s life: you can climb, or you can slide. snakes and ladders. you roll the dice; you make your move; fate hands you progress or it hands you a smack-down. for both outcomes, you invest the same amount of speculative energy and anticipatory stress, but ultimately, there are simply too many variables in life for you to be able to accurately plot a way through the path of least resistance.
i’ve been climbing ladders for so long now, i don’t even feel the tiredness, or at least that’s the way that it feels. i was sick this weekend – exhausted and ripped down from the level of accomplishment to which i have become too accustomed. i’ve been doing this for over 20 years – never saying no to a worthy cause or a friend in need – and it has been a little exhausting. it’s taken me about half that time to recognize that i do this, and this full time to think that maybe i should do something about it, while there’s still time to enjoy life. the worst part of it is that here in this new city, even learning to relax and enjoy myself has been another task on the work queue, where i need to have as much fun as possible in the allocated time, or i would feel like that off-time is being wasted. it’s like running – you can’t always be pushing your pace – there has to come a time when you can just shift in to a pace that is comfortable and enjoy the moment, or it becomes a burden, a chore, a pain.
i need to learn to really RELAX. i need to learn that everything isn’t a task on a list. i need to learn that there are things that just come naturally. i need to land on a square that doesn’t have a snake or a ladder. and i need to learn how to live in this life that i’ve got and love. once i’ve done that, then i’ll really be ready to appreciate myself and the glorious people around me.
i came to this epiphany as “money can’t buy it” came up on its random rotation on my iPod. annie lennox is just about the most beautiful, talented, sexy, impossible woman on the planet and if there’s anyone alive to shock someone into focus (15 years after she released the album!), it’s her. you should all revel in her beauty and genius. thanks, annie, for saving me and giving me a ladder instead of a snake.